Zulfa's blog

Things have been like a whirlwind these past few months. I have fallen and gotten back up many times, I have been hurt and hurt others as well, I have also dealt with the storm that lies within me. It has been so, so hard. Every time I start to get back on my feet, every time I try to maintain positivity, something comes and smashes me; making me having to crawl and start again from the previous point where I was. Sometimes it scares me, what I am capable of. I am tremendously grateful of the support that my friends and family have given me; but there are times where I also feel bad for making them have to deal with my lowest side most of the time. I have lost count of how many days I have gone through with barely any appetite, or even the urge to do anything at all. It has been a struggle for me to let go, forgive, and stay positive. I hate the fact that I constantly complain due to lack of a capable English-speaking therapist around here when there are so many things ...

I am so grateful these past few months for having been granted with people who choose to stay by my side and listen to what I have in mind. Previously, I have lost several people whom I thought would be friends eternally, but it turns out that either what we had wasn't strong enough or maybe we just don't fit with each other anymore. I mean, come to think about it, the amount of loss I experienced back then is nothing compared to what I gained now. It might seem small in quantity, but weighs heavily in terms of quality. I am surprised of the fact that I am able to make new friends on my junior year, friends whom I have known from the first year but never had the opportunity to get to know deeper. And when I was given a chance to do so, it surprises me but also warms my heart at the same time, that I eventually became closer with them until now. I have also started to stop looking for fame. Previously, I was so obsessed with having many people knowing who I am, what I do, a...

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I have always believed that one day I will find one person to fall deeply in love and spend the rest of my life with. When I was little, having barely any experience on love, I used to deeply romanticize love stories and read numerous of romance stories that I deemed as romantic. If it was not romantic to me, then I would not read it for a second. Yet as I grew older, I became to know that love is not as simple and romantic as I used to imagine. I have never been in a relationship, and have only fallen in love several times, yet I have been through numerous ups and downs in experiencing the feeling of love itself. And right now I feel like I have reached a point where I no longer believe     or care     in the magic of love. I still like watching heartwarming romance movies, and I squeal with excitement every time I watch a movie of two teenagers falling in love. But now that I've experienced the worst, I no longer look at it ...

Pada hari ini, Basuki Tjahaja Purnama, Gubernur DKI Jakarta, telah dinyatakan bersalah atas tindak pidana penodaan agama dan divonis hukuman dua tahun penjara. Kaum intoleran yang sudah lama mengkampanyekan agar beliau ditahan oleh pihak berwajib bersorak ria, sementara pihak-pihak yang mengidolakan Ahok serta mengapresiasi kerja kerasnya mengekspresikan kesedihan serta kekecewaan mereka di media sosial mengenai penegakan hukum di negara ini. Terlepas dari kinerjanya yang memuaskan, secara pribadi saya kurang suka dengan beberapa kebijakan beliau yang mendiskreditkan rakyat kalangan menengah ke bawah, seperti menggusur tanpa mempertimbangkan faktor sosial budaya yang ada. Meski begitu, vonis yang ditimpakan pada Pak Ahok ini merupakan sebuah ketidakadilan, serta cerminan bahwa sentimen agama serta ras masih merupakan alat politik yang bisa digunakan untuk menggiring opini publik pada hal-hal yang tak semestinya. Selain itu, bisa jadi hal ini juga merupakan akibat dari apatisme kit...

Baru-baru ini saya menonton film Galih dan Ratna, yang merupakan film remake dari film Gita Cinta dari SMA tahun 1979, dan seketika saya langsung jatuh cinta pada film tersebut. Bagi yang belum tahu, film Gita Cinta dari SMA merupakan adaptasi film dari novel karangan Eddy Iskandar berjudul sama, yang dibintangi oleh Rano Karno dan Yessy Gusman. Dalam film remake ini, meski para tokoh utamanya tetap sama, namun jalan ceritanya disesuaikan dengan masa kini, serta ditambahkan tokoh-tokoh pendukung yang baru hingga para penonton bisa merasa lebih terikat dengan film. Salah satu hal yang saya kagumi adalah, Lucky Kuswandi, sang sutradara film ini, mampu merangkai ulang sebuah film klasik dengan sedemikian rupa agar terasa nuansa kekinian, namun tak lepas dari cerita utama, yaitu kisah cinta antara Galih yang berasal dari keluarga yang biasa-biasa saja dengan Ratna yang berasal dari keluarga berada. Lucky mampu mengembangkannya bukan hanya sebagai kisah cinta antara dua remaja, namun j...

Pernahkah kamu merasa bingung dengan diri sendiri? Ketika kamu melakukan hal-hal yang salah tanpa sadar, dan rasa sesal pun datang tanpa henti. Hatimu pun bertanya-tanya, bagaimana bisa dirimu bertindak seperti itu? Seakan-akan ada kekuatan gaib di bawah alam sadarmu yang memegang kendali atas tubuhmu dan memicumu untuk bertindak seperti itu, hingga pada akhirnya kamu kembali berada di alam sadar, dan menyadari bahwa apa yang kamu lakukan sebelumnya itu salah, padahal ketika itu kamu merasa baik-baik saja. Penyesalan dan rasa bersalah pun datang bertubi-tubi, menghantam tanpa henti. Berulang kali kamu lakukan itu hingga dirimu bertanya-tanya, apakah yang salah dengan diriku? Mengapa ku bisa terus bersikap seperti ini? Seakan-akan aku tak pernah belajar dari kesalahan. Melakukan kesalahan satu kali, itu manusiawi. Namun, mengulang kesalahan yang sama adalah tindakan bodoh. Mengesampingkan pendapat orang lain, aku pun bingung dengan diriku sendiri. Aku sendiri tak tahu apa persi...

I think I've mentioned about this several times in my previous posts, but it has been something I occasionally experience, and I feel like if I don't write down my thoughts about it I'll get frustrated eventually. Once in a while there are times when I feel lonely. I want to be able to interact normally with other people, yet at the same time I do crave for solitude. I don't know, I like being alone but I crave for social interaction as well. Even though I can be awkward, I like conversing with other people, getting to know their thoughts. But I hate putting in extra effort hanging out with someone I'm not really close with. I feel like when I talk to others I can't be like normal people, sometimes I feel really awkward and out of place. I love reading and I keep on craving for deeper knowledge, I also like to think about current issues and contemplate about life and other kinds of stuff. But most of my close friends aren't really into that kind of stuff, d...

Despite my achievements, there are times when I feel like I'm heading nowhere in life. Sometimes I feel like I'm only going with the flow without any courage to innovate/start something new in life. There's just so much things I want to do, yet I feel like I've made barely any effort to get towards that. The only thing that is blocking me from doing it is a strong willingness, nothing more than that. And I guess this year I need to get myself to work harder to achieve those things. On another note, sometimes I don't understand myself as well. I feel like my socializing problems is somehow getting in the way of my path to success. There are times when I feel really inferior around others; to the point that I don't know what I should say or how should I behave. I know I should go out more and meet more people, but I just have no idea what people normally talk about. I normally pay attention to what people usually talk about, to fish some ideas for conversatio...

As I will soon be going back to Japan, I have been contemplating about my own personal definition of home. I've always felt that my home in Depok, Indonesia is my real home, but at the same time I do realize I don't live here permanently anymore; it becomes no more than a place to spend my holidays at. Even though I'm staying in Beppu for the current time being, I haven't thought of it as home. I feel comfortable living there, but there's a slight of doubt to refer to Beppu as home. Another thing which I consider quite weird, is that although I've spent most of my years in Depok/Jakarta, at the same time I don't feel like I belong here either. You see, I'm more of a walking/public transport kind of person, and sadly Depok/Jakarta doesn't really accommodate pedestrians, and riding on public transport is sometimes rather unsafe. Efforts have been made to improve these conditions, but changes cannot happen in an instant. It might take a really long ti...

A lot of things have been going on recently. But first, I don't know how many times I need to apologize for keeping on making excuses to not write haha. But from now on I really want to write more often than before. Being rejected has made me pondering a lot more about love. I might have feelings for him, but at the same time I don't know him. I don't know his fears, insecurities, hopes, and dreams. Heck, I don't even know his favorite food. I was never really close to him; the idea of us being close has only been in my head all along. I don't know his true personality; I might even hate him if I knew him inside-out. There's a high possibility that I might be absorbed in the idea of being in love with him/falling in love with my self-constructed image of him. These feelings might also develop into selfishness; whereas love is nowhere close to being selfish. There were a lot of things that I did to get his attention. But now that I know how he feels about me,...

I miss writing. To say this is particularly weird because when you have a passion in something, you tend to steal some time to be able to commit on doing what you love; something that I haven't been doing recently. Throughout the semester my mind was pretty much occupied by various things; balancing my academic and social life, figuring out how to be more responsible in Japanese society, struggling to maintain contact with friends and families back home. Oh, and not to mention budgeting problems; things that have been happening in the world lately really affected the way I use my money. (I'm looking at you, Brexit.) With all these things I have in mind, the idea of writing immediately got shoved into the back of my head without me noticing, and all of a sudden I realized that I haven't written in ages. Sometimes I write in my diary to sharpen up my writing skills, but even that gets forgotten eventually. Towards the end of last semester I was really busy for my moving o...

Recently, I have been spending most of my time contemplating about introversion, and the way I normally cope with my surroundings. As a college student living far away from home, not only I learn to live independently from my parents, but I also start becoming self-dependent; which practically means not relying too much on others. I began to realize that since college has started, I normally spend about 60-70% of my time alone, due to my introverted personality and the circumstances that does not enable me to spend a lot of time with my closest friends. My friends and I are mostly busy and have our own things to be done, so sometimes we cannot meet too often. Furthermore, I only have a small circle of friends of which I am very close with, which is also why I spend most of my time in solitude. Don't get me wrong; I love being alone, and for me, solitude is a bliss. Moments of solitude are moments where I can think and reflect deeply on my thoughts and opinions about my life and...

I spend most of my time alone. There's nothing to be pitied about Since I love spending time alone As much as I love Spending time with my closest friends But, see Anywhere I go I can never Fit in I am not someone Who lowers my defense So easily I am not An easy person To befriend with, let alone being loved By a significant other. Probably explains why I am used To do many things all alone Even so, I enjoy being alone, And highly value my solitude. But, sometimes When these thoughts come I feel lonely. And no matter how much I love being alone, I don't fancy being lonely.

Dalam seminggu terakhir, hidup saya beserta kawan-kawan diliputi ketakutan dan kecemasan yang seakan tak mau hilang. Semangat awal tahun ajaran, di saat anak-anak memasuki gerbang sekolah dengan penuh harapan, terpaksa diinterupsi oleh bencana yang datang tak terprediksi. Rutinitas keseharian yang penuh keteraturan dalam seketika terobrak-abrik dengan adanya gempa bumi yang meluluhlantakkan bangunan serta menggoncang jiwa para penduduk sekitar. Tanpa kita sadari, bencana mempunyai potensi untuk menyentak kesadaran kita akan betapa berharganya kehidupan sehari-hari yang sesekali terasa menjemukan dan melelahkan. Berkumpul dengan banyak orang lain di suatu tempat yang jauh dari rumah, dan tidak ada yang bisa dilakukan selain menunggu. Menunggu bukanlah suatu aktivitas yang menyenangkan jika pikiran kita selalu dihinggapi kekhawatiran dan rasa takut yang mencegah kita untuk memejamkan mata dan beristirahat sejenak. Berada dalam keadaan seperti itu, membuat kita ingin kembali pada keg...

Beberapa hari yang lalu saya menyempatkan diri berkunjung ke toko buku yang cukup besar dan terkenal bersama sahabat-sahabat saya. Awalnya, saya berkeinginan untuk membeli buku fiksi dan nonfiksi berbahasa Indonesia (murni, bukan terjemahan) agar bisa saya bawa saat kembali ke Jepang. Saya mendapatkan beberapa buku fiksi yang memang sudah saya inginkan sejak lama. Namun sayangnya, saya tidak menemukan banyak buku nonfiksi yang cukup menarik untuk saya bawa pulang. Saat saya menelusuri bagian buku-buku nonfiksi, yang saya temukan sebagian besar adalah buku-buku nonfiksi yang merupakan buku-buku kuliah, dan sangat sedikit buku-buku nonfiksi yang diperuntukkan bagi konsumsi publik. Walaupun akhirnya saya membeli satu buku nonfiksi, namun saya tetap saja kecewa dengan kenyataan yang telah saya lihat. Sudah menjadi rahasia umum bahwa budaya literasi Indonesia masih tertinggal jauh dibanding negara-negara lain. Menghabiskan waktu membaca buku tidaklah lebih menarik dibandingkan, katakanl...

My first semester as a college student has officially ended, and I am currently home for the holidays. My decision to come home for the holidays was quite sudden and unplanned. Considering the local weather and my health conditions back then, I decided to go back so that I could recover myself physically and mentally. Coming home urges me to re-evaluate myself and and see how much progress I've made, which is what I'll write about now. As I look back, I realized that I gained numerous memorable and unforgettable experiences during the last 4 months. I went through a lot of things that I would not be able to experience if I decided to study in my home country. I met the most wonderful people with the most beautiful minds and interesting personalities here, not only Japanese or Indonesians, but people from across the globe, whether it be professors, fellow students, seniors, and the local people. Since practically I had to do almost everything by myself, I had the opportunity...

Menjadi dewasa tidaklah mudah. Tumbuh dan menjadi dewasa, berarti kita telah beranjak dari satu fase kehidupan dan memasuki fase kehidupan yang lain. Meninggalkan masa remaja dan mulai memasuki kehidupan nyata, serta mulai membuat keputusan nyata dan mengemban tanggung jawab atas hasil dari keputusan tersebut. Pelan tapi pasti, kita memegang kendali atas hidup kita, dan orangtua bukan lagi pengambil keputusan utama. Dahulu, saat kita kecil, mungkin sebagian besar dari kita merasa jenuh dengan berbagai aturan yang diterapkan orangtua dalam rumah, dan terpana melihat orang dewasa begitu bebas dalam menjalani kehidupan. Dahulu, mungkin kita ingin sekali cepat-cepat dewasa, agar bisa mencicipi nikmatnya kebebasan dan tidak melulu harus patuh pada aturan atau larangan ini-itu. Sekarang, saat saya perlahan-lahan meninggalkan masa remaja dan mulai beranjak dewasa, saya menyadari suatu hal; kenyataan bahwa kitalah pemegang kendali utama hidup kita terdengar sedikit menakutkan. Kenya...

So I just checked out the amount of my blog posts here and I realized that I wrote a lot more 2 years ago than I did last year... ...which is disappointing, yes. Actually, during my first few weeks of college I intended to write a lot more especially since I'm in a new environment.. but it turns out it wasn't that easy. Not only am I swamped with assignments (I'm learning a foreign language and studying my major as well, gosh) I also haven't had the opportunity to have anything good to read, apart from college-related stuff. Which means I didn't have anything good to write about. Even now I don't; I just currently feel the need to pour my heart out. I also didn't want to write crap, either. You know, like meaningless stuff that leads to no conclusion. (Oh wait, then probably this post counts as crap... never mind) During winter break I started reading this really good book about moral philosophy and thankfully it had a few relations on t...

Tahun baru selalu identik dengan refleksi dan perenungan tentang apa yang telah terjadi, serta tekad untuk berubah menjadi lebih baik untuk setahun ke depan. Mungkin sedikit telat, tapi saya juga ingin berbagi mengenai apa yang telah saya pelajari dalam setahun terakhir. Secara pribadi, saya tak pernah membuat resolusi tahun baru karena tak pernah menganggapnya penting. Mimpi-mimpi saya terlalu besar untuk sekedar dibuat resolusi. Terlebih lagi, kita tak pernah tahu apa yang akan terjadi selama setahun kedepan. Namun tentu saja, saya selalu mengevaluasi perkembangan diri tiap tahun dan bertekad untuk terus berusaha lebih baik. Setahun belakangan, saya menyadari saya telah banyak berkembang. Pribadi saya berkembang menjadi lebih matang (meski belum sepenuhnya) dan pola pikir saya lebih logis dan terstruktur dibanding tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Saya juga belajar banyak mengenai kerendahan hati serta ketangguhan dalam menjalani hidup. Saya juga menyadari betapa krusialnya menjaga hubungan...

So today I had this class called Workshop 1 and Workshop 2. Workshop 1 basically consists of how to write academic papers, while Workshop 2 is more focused on teamwork with your friends. What I'd like to discuss here is about these two personality traits that most Indonesians lack, which is tolerance and critical thinking. During a lecture in Workshop 1, the professor encouraged us to write academic papers that consists of 1000 words while stressing the importance of critical thinking. He then emphasized it by talking about someone who reads the news and truly believing in what it says without giving it a second thought that it might not be true. He then told us not to do that since we're college students now and are encouraged to think critically. All of a sudden it hit me. Just a few days ago I felt infuriated after reading a small piece of news from Indonesia about the government rejecting an investment proposal from Japan and instead gave the opportunity to China. ...