Zulfa's blog

I think I've mentioned about this several times in my previous posts, but it has been something I occasionally experience, and I feel like if I don't write down my thoughts about it I'll get frustrated eventually. Once in a while there are times when I feel lonely. I want to be able to interact normally with other people, yet at the same time I do crave for solitude. I don't know, I like being alone but I crave for social interaction as well. Even though I can be awkward, I like conversing with other people, getting to know their thoughts. But I hate putting in extra effort hanging out with someone I'm not really close with. I feel like when I talk to others I can't be like normal people, sometimes I feel really awkward and out of place. I love reading and I keep on craving for deeper knowledge, I also like to think about current issues and contemplate about life and other kinds of stuff. But most of my close friends aren't really into that kind of stuff, d...

Despite my achievements, there are times when I feel like I'm heading nowhere in life. Sometimes I feel like I'm only going with the flow without any courage to innovate/start something new in life. There's just so much things I want to do, yet I feel like I've made barely any effort to get towards that. The only thing that is blocking me from doing it is a strong willingness, nothing more than that. And I guess this year I need to get myself to work harder to achieve those things. On another note, sometimes I don't understand myself as well. I feel like my socializing problems is somehow getting in the way of my path to success. There are times when I feel really inferior around others; to the point that I don't know what I should say or how should I behave. I know I should go out more and meet more people, but I just have no idea what people normally talk about. I normally pay attention to what people usually talk about, to fish some ideas for conversatio...

As I will soon be going back to Japan, I have been contemplating about my own personal definition of home. I've always felt that my home in Depok, Indonesia is my real home, but at the same time I do realize I don't live here permanently anymore; it becomes no more than a place to spend my holidays at. Even though I'm staying in Beppu for the current time being, I haven't thought of it as home. I feel comfortable living there, but there's a slight of doubt to refer to Beppu as home. Another thing which I consider quite weird, is that although I've spent most of my years in Depok/Jakarta, at the same time I don't feel like I belong here either. You see, I'm more of a walking/public transport kind of person, and sadly Depok/Jakarta doesn't really accommodate pedestrians, and riding on public transport is sometimes rather unsafe. Efforts have been made to improve these conditions, but changes cannot happen in an instant. It might take a really long ti...

A lot of things have been going on recently. But first, I don't know how many times I need to apologize for keeping on making excuses to not write haha. But from now on I really want to write more often than before. Being rejected has made me pondering a lot more about love. I might have feelings for him, but at the same time I don't know him. I don't know his fears, insecurities, hopes, and dreams. Heck, I don't even know his favorite food. I was never really close to him; the idea of us being close has only been in my head all along. I don't know his true personality; I might even hate him if I knew him inside-out. There's a high possibility that I might be absorbed in the idea of being in love with him/falling in love with my self-constructed image of him. These feelings might also develop into selfishness; whereas love is nowhere close to being selfish. There were a lot of things that I did to get his attention. But now that I know how he feels about me,...

I miss writing. To say this is particularly weird because when you have a passion in something, you tend to steal some time to be able to commit on doing what you love; something that I haven't been doing recently. Throughout the semester my mind was pretty much occupied by various things; balancing my academic and social life, figuring out how to be more responsible in Japanese society, struggling to maintain contact with friends and families back home. Oh, and not to mention budgeting problems; things that have been happening in the world lately really affected the way I use my money. (I'm looking at you, Brexit.) With all these things I have in mind, the idea of writing immediately got shoved into the back of my head without me noticing, and all of a sudden I realized that I haven't written in ages. Sometimes I write in my diary to sharpen up my writing skills, but even that gets forgotten eventually. Towards the end of last semester I was really busy for my moving o...

Recently, I have been spending most of my time contemplating about introversion, and the way I normally cope with my surroundings. As a college student living far away from home, not only I learn to live independently from my parents, but I also start becoming self-dependent; which practically means not relying too much on others. I began to realize that since college has started, I normally spend about 60-70% of my time alone, due to my introverted personality and the circumstances that does not enable me to spend a lot of time with my closest friends. My friends and I are mostly busy and have our own things to be done, so sometimes we cannot meet too often. Furthermore, I only have a small circle of friends of which I am very close with, which is also why I spend most of my time in solitude. Don't get me wrong; I love being alone, and for me, solitude is a bliss. Moments of solitude are moments where I can think and reflect deeply on my thoughts and opinions about my life and...

I spend most of my time alone. There's nothing to be pitied about Since I love spending time alone As much as I love Spending time with my closest friends But, see Anywhere I go I can never Fit in I am not someone Who lowers my defense So easily I am not An easy person To befriend with, let alone being loved By a significant other. Probably explains why I am used To do many things all alone Even so, I enjoy being alone, And highly value my solitude. But, sometimes When these thoughts come I feel lonely. And no matter how much I love being alone, I don't fancy being lonely.